We walked in to a teacher who looked like she was boycotting any sort of personal hygiene products. No make-up, clothing that only consisted of tan color and the hair...well, I'm guessing maybe a two second fluff and dry. But don't worry, her personality made up for it, NOT! It was just as bland as her outer portrayal. Now, all I'm thinking is that the content is so graphic and intense, that it is only right to have a teacher that doesn't over power and overwhelm. Again, this is not the case.
8 hours later here is what Aron and I learned...
- Labor is going to be as painful as the class
- Epidurals are evil causing death and brain damage (I don't care, INJECT ME!!)
- If you get an epidural you can't claim you've experienced child birth (YAH, ok lady...I'm still pushing something 10x's the size of it's opening OUT!)
- If you are in the grocery store and your water breaks, grab a jar of pickles, drop it over the spill and run out alerting a clerk that there is clean up needed in isle 2. Pretend it wasn't you even if your bum is wet as you beat cheeks out of the store.
- Go to the mall in pre-labor to help you progress. When you have a contraction, lean up against the wall, moan, and make your husband direct traffic around you by saying "Keep it moving. Nothing to see here. Lady not in labor. Keep it moving..." (THIS IS NOT A JOKE...she really made us practice this)
- Stages of labor are more of a facial issue. :) - 1st Stage :I - 2nd stage :( - 3rd stage I've instructed Aron to call everyone when I get to the :I part of it. You may ask what I'm feeling or doing at this point?? My only response to you is...Ummm laboring.
Now, the things we had to practice were even crazier than that of which we learned in the above bullets. We HAD to do the breathing portion even though we are getting the epidural and won't be using it. It was just a lot of He, He, He, Hooooo's. This crazy lady wanted us to moan with the Hoooo's, and to be honest, it sounded more like a room full of porn stars than laboring women. Ridiculous! One breathing method involved Aron holding up his fingers helping me focus on how many Heee's I had to do before the Ho. Well, I'll tell you what, he was only getting one finger from me because that was just annoying. I don't have time to focus on him and his fingers...If I'm really in pain, he can put himself to better use and rub my back. But then, the lady decided to try and show us the benefits of breathing...
Granola Crack Teacher asked the class if we wanted to try an experiment. In hopes that it would spice up the class, everyone said "YESS!!" So she tells our husbands to grab either underneath our arm or in between our thighs and begin to pinch. I believe one of her comments was "I want you to bruise her..." As she talked through the contraction telling us its getting stronger, his pinches were supposed to get stronger simulating the pain. Now, the mom's all had to breathe through the pain of the pinch and I'm happy to say, Aron will be married for at least another year. He didn't pinch hard at all (because I would have pinched off his manhood) even though there were some men making their wives tear up in pain. The next step of the experiment was the same process for the men, yet this time we had to do our own method through the pain. I just looked at Aron and said "You don't have to do it, I'm getting an epidural and won't feel it anyway...and you DO want to stay married right?" :)
Needless to say, Aron and I didn't get much of out of the class besides a ton of laughs and more reassurance that I WILL be getting an epidural. The teacher strongly recommended everyone go natural and get 0 pain med's. She tried scare tactics that included side effects in which I haven't heard one woman encounter to this day and videos that made the needle look like PVC pipe, but that's not stopping me!! I want to stay married after this experience and Lord knows what I might say or do under all that pain.
On a scale from 1-10 I would rate it a 1 on content and a 10 on laughs. STUPID CLASS!
